


I love you more, sunshine

by junheeschoice



Category: UP10TION
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hwanhee is just sad, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, if you can't handle self-harm please don't read, read the trigger warnings, there is a reason this is mature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 16:37:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7275757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junheeschoice/pseuds/junheeschoice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hwanhee hates himself and thinks he's dragging Up10tion down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I love you more, sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone :) I have no idea if anyone will be reading this fic because this ship is so rare. I swear to god, everyone, please appreciate this ship that I still don't know the name of. They are so obvious but everyone ignores them so I had to write this. Please be nice, this is my first ever K-Pop Fanfiction and the first time I post something that I actually finished. Also English is only my second language so please bear with any mistakes that could be in here, I got the times jumbled up a little while writing and I hope I corrected everything.  
> I got the idea for this story after watching U10TV episode 56 and 58 and their V App live stream in Japan. In all of those videos, Hwanhee (almost) didn't talk at all and didn't want to be seen because of his no make-up face. It gave me to think and suddenly I got this idea and had to write this down. I took about 3 hours even though I was tired as hell and I finished around 1am.  
> I hope you enjoy this story. Please note that only Changhyun's words represent how I feel about Hwanhee, his own thoughts are what I thought he could maybe feel. Also the part about Gyujin and Bitto being called the ugliest members, I got this from a poll. I think they're pretty fucking good-looking but yeah.  
> One last thing: Hwanhee calls everyone by their stage name at the beginning. I wrote it like this to show that he already took a distance to his members because of his self-hatred.  
> Have fun reading!

Hwanhee is looking at his reflection in the mirror in the bathroom. After a long day of promotions, photo shootings and fan meets, he went into the bathroom first to have a shower after they returned home. He hates looking at his face after a shower. With all that make-up gone, he wasn't as confident as with it on. To be honest, he wasn't confident at all. He hates how he looked, his eyes looking small and weird, his skin not clear and his face not as beautiful as the faces of the other members.  
It would be a lie to say that he was never jealous of them: Wei who still looked amazing even if he just slept and was woken up by Gyujin ringing the bell of his hotel room or Wooshin who didn't even have to try to look good. No matter what happened to him, he'd always look perfect. Also Sunyoul who was so damn beautiful that it made him self-conscious on a daily basis. Xiao who looked the same with or without make-up, absolutely cute. Then there were Kuhn and Kogyeol and Jinhoo who just looked hot all the time and Bitto and Gyujin who are ranked last in looks by fans. Honestly Hwanhee never understood why those two were ranked last, they were so handsome in his eyes. It's probably because the fans never saw him barefaced.  
But it wasn't only his face he got self-conscious about at times like this. He thinks a lot when being in the bathroom, about his dancing and his singing. The members mentioned several times that he's not that good at dancing and makes the most mistakes. Bitto is helping him a lot and tries to cheer him up by saying that he's just ahead of time and his moves are gonna be the trend in the next century, but Hwanhee doesn't believe this bullshit.  
He is dragging everyone down and it's obvious. It is obvious in their faces when he made them dance the whole choreography again because his moves weren't sharp enough or he forgot the steps. It is obvious in how Bitto is getting more and more frustrated with him and how Jinhoo always tells him to focus more.  
He is fucking everything up. And he can't do that especially not as a main vocal who's in the focus so often. What Hwanhee doesn't understand is why he ever got chosen as main vocal along with Sunyoul. Sunyoul is obviously so much better, people are always begging him to sing a high note and he gets so much praise from everyone. Hwanhee only gets comments that he sounds like Baekhyun from EXO.  
A main vocal has to have his own sound in his opinion. He thinks he isn't suited at all as the main vocal because of that and people outside of TOPMedia seem to think the same. Why hasn't he sung the hymn at the baseball game? Why isn't he singing in the OST for the drama like Sunyoul, Jinhoo and Bitto? Jinhoo is so much better suited to be the second main vocal; that is a thought that crosses his mind often. Xiao and Gyujin should get more lines, their voices are unique and not an exact copy of someone else like his voice.  
Hwanhee starts crying, not being able to stand the sight of his ugly face anymore. Not being able to stand the sight of someone so unfitted for being an idol. Sometimes he thinks he should just leave. But then he remembers Bitto. His Changhyun-hyung. The guy he completely fell in love with. Leaving Up10tion would mean leaving his first love and never seeing him again. His heart is already damaged from loving a straight guy, he couldn't take never talking to him again. Then he could kill himself right away, that'd be less painful.  
Sometimes he wonders if the members ever noticed his lack of self-confidence. If they noticed that some comments trigger him. Surely they don't mean it, they were just saying that he looks different without make-up and teasing him a little. It's just all fun and games but Hwanhee has become too insecure. Too insecure to laugh it off as he would have a few weeks ago.  
Still crying, Hwanhee hears someone knocking on the bathroom door. "Hwanhee, please hurry up, I need to pee," Xiao shouts from outside of the bathroom. He sighs, washing his face yet again with cold water to hide the fact that he just cried. Also taking out his contact lenses to put off the red eyes from not getting his contact to come out, he slowly unlocks the door.  
Xiao opens the door, almost hitting Hwanhee's head and rushes in the bathroom. The older boy just whispers a short "Sorry for taking so long" and leaves his best friend to do his business. He heads towards his shared bedroom and climbs up the ladder to his upper bunk bed in the corner of the room.  
He wasn't in the mood to eat anything, even though whatever the hyungs were cooking smelled delicious to him. If he's being honest with himself, he hasn't been in the mood for anything in the last time, not even talking to their fans in the newest U10TV episodes. He tried to sleep but the laughter of the members who were now happily eating and listening to some BigBang was too loud. They sounded so happy without him as if he was never there.  
Hwanhee curses under his breath as his tears threatened to fall again. He is such a crybaby. A gay, untalented, annoying and ugly crybaby. That night he cries himself to sleep. 

\---

Little does he know that the members he heard laughing so happily were extremely worried, especially a certain main dancer with green hair. Changhyun had noticed the change of behaviour in his favourite dongsaeng and he didn't know what changed so suddenly. Hwanhee used to be their sunshine, the beagle member who will get away with everything because he's just so adorable and innocent and small.  
Exactly this was what Changhyun noticed first: Hwanhee wasn't getting himself into trouble anymore. When someone got scolded it was always the maknae, his partner-in-crime no where in sight. He started using honorifics which he didn't like to do just because it was funny to see his hyung's reactions.  
Changhyun really missed being called "Changhyunie" instead of "Changhyun-hyung" or worse "Bitto-hyung". It is all so cold and distant now. Even Hwanhee's smiles disappeared, when they were rooming in Japan, he didn't smile a single time and just went to bed without a word. Changhyun had been expecting late night ramblings and a shy dongsaeng asking him to hold him when the thunderstorm that one night started. But all of that was gone and Changhyun didn't know why. What happened to Hwanhee to get like this? He never asks him though, neither do the other members. Maybe Hwanhee is just tired and stressed. 

\---

Two weeks later, Hwanhee is in the bathroom again. His day was terrible. It started off with eating too much for breakfast, making himself only fatter that he had to force himself to throw up for the sake of the team. Then it went on with Xiao bugging him why he wasn't annoying the hyungs with him anymore until he snapped and told him to get lost. Afterwards, they went to a photo shoot that went on for an eternity, an eternity of fake smiles. Later at dance practice, he fell and that brought him here: all alone in the dorm with his members practicing while he's being a lazy ass. His ankle is twisted but he should have continued to dance instead of giving up like the coward he is.  
With tears and bad thoughts clouding his sight and mind, Hwanhee searches around the cabinets in the bathroom. He doesn't know what he was doing but somehow he ends up with a spare razor blade in his hand. What is he doing with his life? Why is he such a fuck-up that he now thinks about self harm to take away the pain of his heart? Shakily, he twists the blade in his hand. He wonders how it feels to cut. Would it hurt a lot? Would it take away the pain like people always say? Would it be enough to punish himself?  
He couldn't think straight but he lifts his hand with the blade up and brings it down to his wrist. Lightly, he presses it against the skin, then with more pressure until he sees little droplets of blood. Trying to be more daring, he brings the blade to his wrist again, swiping it across to see more little droplets of blood. The adrenaline is pumping and he notices the pain of his heart lessening because of the overpowering pain in his wrist. As he continues, the droplets turn into drops, connecting to a deep red liquid running over his hand. Just as he wants to make the next cut, someone suddenly opens the door and he looks up into deep brown eyes holding worry and fear. 

\---

During the dance practice, Changhyun can't concentrate at all. Dongyeol is complaining about not being able to dance without his best friend and Changhyun can't think about someone else either.  
"Okay guys, let's take a short break," Jinwook says, grabbing a water bottle and sliding down the wall. The other members follow him and try to rest before they had to practice more. Only their breaths could be heard until Changhyun decides to speak up.  
"Have you also noticed that Hwanhee was behaving differently the last few weeks?"  
The question catches everyone's attention. They all noticed. They just don't know how much is behind it. They don't want to ask what's wrong.  
Nobody is saying anything until Jinwook speaks up. "Yeah I noticed and it's worrying me a lot, he hasn't been eating as much as he used to"  
"He got skinnier"  
"He doesn't smile anymore"  
"He stopped laughing"  
"He stopped talking to fans"  
"He started to avoid cameras"  
"He's unfocused"  
"He is always on his own"  
"And did you notice he spends way more time in the bathroom? I wonder what he's doing in there all the time," Dongyeol adds.  
"What could he possibly be doing on there? He's a guy," Sooil asks "Unless..."  
And suddenly something clicks in Changhyun's head. "Fuck," he says and gets up running as fast as possible towards the dorm. How could they send him to the dorm alone when he's clearly down? What if he's hurting himself? The thought alone makes the rapper want to throw up and he runs faster, not caring about the confused members that he left back in the practice room. All that is on his mind is Hwanhee. Hwanhee, Hwanhee, Hwanhee.  
He can't fucking die on him. He's too precious. What would Up10tion be without Hwanhee? What would the members be without Hwanhee? And most importantly what would he be without Hwanhee? The cute and nervous guy he'd been crushing on since he saw him the first time when he joined TOPMedia. He can't do that to him. With that thought in mind, he unlocks the dorm door. It is quiet in the apartment. Changhyun walks in carefully, checking Hwanhee's room and the living area first in hope that Hwanhee just fell asleep and is lying there on his bed or the couch calmly sleeping.  
As he passes the bathroom, he hears sobs though, sobs that could only be from Hwanhee. It is heart wrenching. Bracing himself for the sight, he'll most likely have to see, he pushes the door open, thanking god that Hwanhee didn't bother to lock the door. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight in front of after opening the door though. There is Hwanhee with disheveled blonde hair sitting on the fluffy yellow rug on the bathroom floor, holding a blade in his hand. Blood is running down his wrist, soaking into the rug and turning it orange.  
Tears form in Changhyun's eyes as Hwanhee looks up to see who interrupted him. The eye contact is too much for both boys. Hwanhee breaks down, sobs rippling through his entire body as he can't take the sight of his hyung looking so sad because of him. He feels so ashamed and guilty. Changhyun on the other hand can't comprehend what is happening. Why did the boy cut himself? Was this his first time cutting? Why didn't he himself say something before to prevent this? Why did he fail so much as a hyung to his dongsaeng? He sinks down to his knees and takes Hwanhee's hand into his.  
The boy is still sobbing but Changhyun, even though he is also crying, helps the boy up and holds his wrist under cold water to clean off the blood. The younger hisses a little but lets the older boy help him, his head still down and not able to look him into the eyes. After cleaning off the blood, Changhyun gets the bandage from the top cabinet and wraps it tightly around the still bleeding wrist before he hugs the boy tightly. The skin contact causes both boys to cry even more and they sit on the floor, Hwanhee pulled onto his hyung's lap. Both are hugging each other tightly as if they'd never want to let the other one leave.  
When they calm down again, Changhyun asks the boy why he did it and Hwanhee tells him the whole story. His self-hatred, how he feels like he was not enough, how he wishes to be like the other members. During the whole time, the rapper listens to him and strokes his back, always hugging him close again whenever he starts sobbing for another time. As the boy finishes, he puts his finger under the crying boy's chin, to make him look up. Their eyes meet until Changhyun can't resist anymore and leans in. Making sure that Hwanhee isn't uncomfortable, he moves closer until his lips are touching the younger ones. The kiss is short and sweet but better than Changhyun could have ever imagined. When he breaks the kiss again, he looks into the younger's eyes.  
"Lee Hwanhee, you're perfect just the way you are. You are incredibly cute and absolutely irresistible with and without make up and you're the best singer I've ever got the pleasure to meet. You're not dragging us down at all. You're not the best dancer of the group, so what? It's not important to be good at dancing, especially with a voice like yours. Please never think of leaving the group ever again, do you understand me? What would Up10tion be without you? We'd be so incomplete and lost and honestly, how the fuck does Up9tion sound? It's either all of us or none of us. We need you so much Hwanhee, I need you." He places a kiss on the bandaged wrist. "Please never do something like this again, it hurts me so much that you think of yourself like this. I'll try to keep an eye on you from now on because you're my sunshine, Hwanhee. I can't handle to have you lose your smile again, okay?" He looks at the younger one and the boy only nods.  
"Why did you kiss me? I thought you were straight," he sniffs.  
"I thought the same until I met you Hwanhee. Something about you was just so captivating, you looked so happy and positive. I really loved that and somehow I fell in love with you along the way. But what is there not to love about you? You're so perfect and I will try my best to make you realise that. I don't know if I'm exactly gay but I'm definitely Hwanhee-sexual." After this comment, Hwanhee hits his hyung's chest lightly. "You're such an idiot"  
"But it made you smile and I don't care about being an idiot as long as I'm your idiot"  
"Of course you are," the younger one answers and this time, he initiates the kiss. They kiss deeply for what feels like an eternity, but they keep it sweet. None of them are really in the mood for a heated make out session.  
It is fine though because just kissing each other and feeling the others warmth is enough for them. For Hwanhee, it is the feeling of being protected, loved and accepted that makes this sensation so unique, while Changhyun is just happy that he can hold his boy in his arms, protect him and help him to smile again.  
As both boys grow tired, Changhyun lifts Hwanhee up bridal style and carries him to his own bed which is a bottom bunk. He softly lays him down and then slips into the bed right next to him as Hwanhee starts to make grabby hands. He wraps his arms around the smaller boy again and closes his eyes.  
"Changhyunie? I love you"  
"I love you more, sunshine" 

\---

As the other 8 members come home an hour after both boys fell asleep, they aren't surprised to see them sleeping together. All of them know about the crush of their members on each other and we're waiting for this to finally happen. A not so pleasant surprise waits for Gyujin as he enters the bathroom first and starts screaming because "Is that Hwanhee's blood on the rug??". Hwanhee has a lot to explain but for now, the members would let him open up on his own. As long as Changhyun is with him, they are sure that an incident like this won't happen again and the older maknae will be their smiling beagle member again.

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposted to AFF


End file.
